My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
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Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?