My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
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My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.