My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
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I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Oh, I bet you would be
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Ok but actually
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
goldfish mafia
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]