My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
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Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
plant them where lol
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!