My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
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I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.