My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
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What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet