My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
โIt rises in the yeast and sets in the waistโ ๐๐พโโ๏ธ๐๐พโโ๏ธ
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If anyone deserves an Oscar, itโs me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know Iโm going to use Google Maps regardless
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Sorry babe when you said โletโs go for a runโ I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and thatโs on me
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
My boyfriend thinks I ask โdumb questionsโ like โwould you love me if I were a wormโ and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Batemanโs care routine as a bit
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s sรฉance!
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey whatโs up? Washing your car?
Me: No, Iโm watering it to see if itโll grow into a bus.
Unicorn
(๊ช.) A single piece of corn.
Me: Did you see that womanโs swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, โshouldโve listened to the announcer.โ
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Letโs go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Marriage may be hard but at least you donโt have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Wife: Howโd you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
buying dead houseplants to save time