My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
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An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.