My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
You Might Also Like
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Simple enough.