My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
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Mad Max Arctic Road
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Cat.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses