My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
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Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.