Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2

I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy

[knock on my front door]

Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?

Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?

Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*

Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*

Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?

2019: The floor is lava.

2020: The year is lava.

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.

BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.

CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

[first date]

HER: i’m really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

Steam Forums

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here