My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

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My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.



If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight


Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.


I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.


me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”


[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is


You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.


King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs


*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.


If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,