My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
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Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.