My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
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To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.