My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
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*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser