My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
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Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Whoever said “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” has clearly never tried cheese.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
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I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.