My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
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I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
This kid is a star!