My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
You Might Also Like
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.