*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
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Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.