My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
You Might Also Like
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
pizza
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.