@_itspat_

My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.

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@kelkulus

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

@Jimpetuous

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

@asimplesean

Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him

@FetishBitch

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

@robfee

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

@sad_tree

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

@grammar_cunt

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.