My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
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Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Are we there yet?…
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did