My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.

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“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.


I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.


Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks


Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him


The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??


Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!


There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE


Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.