My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.
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Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
asked my bf how work was today
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Not😆🤣
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this