My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
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My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum