My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
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Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.