my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
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There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
For those that worship cheese..
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.