My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed
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No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.