My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
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I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?