My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
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What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.