My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
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verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR