My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
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my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.