My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
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*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
May have had one breakfast too many
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
My work here is don’t.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
men, we mow at sunrise.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.