My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
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My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
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