my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
You Might Also Like
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I am also baked goods
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents