My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
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HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
You can’t rush stupid.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean