My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
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I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
I bet
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Noted.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Roses are red, you always mattered,