Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax

ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I replied “No…”

She responded: “How about now?”

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

I’m sure it’s fine.

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.

Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?

Me: Yes, please.

Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.

Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks

*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother