My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
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Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.