My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
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a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
This was a bad idea all around
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
thank god
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well