My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
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Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.