My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
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kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
#TopTip
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Is this a threat?
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found