My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
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I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL