My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
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*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
When someone says you are so lazy
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together