My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
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Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.