@SlabBaconBP

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

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@slimmy_shady

23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List

@1Happytwit

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

@fatherofcomedy

I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.

@

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

@masiragz

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

@Book_Krazy

Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!

8: But mom, you’re pretty.

Me: Awe thank……wait what?

@slimmy_shady

Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!