My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
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Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Hot Hot Hot
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I have a new favorite meme page
be careful
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.