@SlabBaconBP

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

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@MikeBigby

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

@oneawkwardmom

My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.

@Writepop

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

@michael_raphone

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

@junejuly12

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

@OwensDamien

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

@BrettDruck

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”

@abbycohenwl

[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome