My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
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Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
My boss called in sick of me
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️