My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
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I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Respect
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache