My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
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I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
I need a headline like this
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.