My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
You Might Also Like
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Never forget.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
philosophical skeletons be like
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume