My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
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psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.