My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
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me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC