@Brianhopecomedy

My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.

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@tonyagalbraith

Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.

@Gupton68

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

@WifeEyeSignal

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’

@OhhhLuiss

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

@noog

Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.

@TheFirstDudish

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

@polyhumorous

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

@Brianhopecomedy

Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.