My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.

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Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.


Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.


I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’


Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.


Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.


Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?


Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.


Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.