My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
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“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
When your man makes a valid point
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship