My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
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o shit
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Jesus steals the winter solstice
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
My Sentiments Exactly
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon