My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
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(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit