My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
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no cat here
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes